Derrick Knopsnyder — California University alumni — came back to campus this past Friday night. Students gathered in the Vulcan theater to listen to the jokes he was sure to crack about everybody’s beloved campus living.

“I drove around the town again to see if anything’s changed. It hasn’t.”

Knopsnyder was very interactive with the crowd, asking students questions about what they do for fun. He clarified that he was not a cop and the audience could be honest.

He discussed the weather in Vermont, informing the audience that it was minus thirty degrees out. “You walk outside and your freaking face hurts what is that?…You walk outside and you forget how to talk.”

He transitioned into discussing the guy to girl ratio at Cal U. As it stands, the ratio is 2:1, but while he was in school the ratio was 3:1. “Some guy must have had six girls.”

He asked the audience to cheer if they were a single girl, then single boys, and then girls who have a boyfriend that goes to a different school. Knopsnyder claimed that coming to college with a boyfriend is a lot like going to the beach with a handful of sand. Only a small handful of people laughed at that joke.

“It doesn’t feel like a comedy show, it feels more like we’re all at a bus stop and I’m trying to get everybody to laugh.”

He told the crowd the secret to never paying back expensive student loans is to never not be a student. You don’t have to pay anything back until you graduate, therefore if you never graduate you never have to pay it back.

Later in the show, Knopsnyder began to talk about how his A.D.D. affected his schooling. He offered — as a joke — to sell his Adderall to the crowd. “Remember that I’m not a cop.”

He asked the crowd who is going to see B.O.B. later in the month and explained how big of a deal that was because whenever he went to Cal the person they brought in was Kenny Rodgers.

“For those of you who don’t know Google it. It’s as sad as it sounds.”

He joked with the freshman that one in every three of them would drop out, and if anybody on either side of them looked smarter it was “probably you.” 

Towards the end of the show, Derrick joked about how being a comedian is a great job, then asked the crowd about the worst jobs they had. One gentleman described that he works in a landfill, and he had to help install pipes to the bottom of the garbage pile because of the decomposing of garbage. Sometimes it caught fire due to the fumes.

“I got fired one time for losing something, which sucks. But I wasn’t even mad because I hate babysitting.”

This made a great deal of the audience either laugh or be aghast.

He concluded with telling the audience to follow him on Instagram and gave out free card holders that stick to the back of a phone.

He invited everybody to come say hi and talk after the show.